It feels most appropriate to share how I got invited by Life.
When I look back on my life’s situation of 20 years ago, I would definitely not have been interested in any of this. Everything that included words as « flow, energy, divine, heart, … » fell into the same « not interested » category.
I had nothing to do with spirituality, I was serious !
Besides, I had no time for that. Even more, « everything was more than fine ! » It was only some years down the road, I painfully dis-covered it was really not.
I worked my way up through different managing posts in a family owned telecom company. I followed the « normal » path of life. I earned plenty of money. Having no time to do anything else did not bother me at all. The few individuals around me that did have time to do anything else, I considered as not being committed. Before I knew it, going to my office on Sundays became normal as well. I played with the numbers & prepared for all the upcoming meetings while enjoying a croissant & a coffee.
Everything was under control !
Anything can be done with numbers. I prepared what the board of directors wanted to see. Reflecting back on this I realize how absurd it was. I guess I wasn’t quite ready to face myself. I didn’t know about any courage nor confidence to act differently. I had made some suggestions for change before but the return was of the kind « do not do this again ». It felt awful & I did not want to feel that again.
On one side, I was fully absorbed by the belief that everything was fine. Going on vacation to exotic locations & playing fancy sports like tennis & golf only confirmed this belief. On the other side, repeating experiences of self-humiliation kept me prisoner of the situation.
Suddenly, Life invited me to something different.
I was involved in a car accident on a Sunday afternoon. I ran into an elderly woman who crossed the street. I held her bleeding head in my hands for a while but she died on her way to the hospital. Why did she cross the road, coming from in between parked cars ? Why did I not see her ? Yes, I would occasionally drink & drive those days but not this time. I was coming from the office & was clearly in my head. I found it strange at the time that for the authorities, I was considered the victim. I was refused to go to the funeral & only way later, I became grateful that life kept me going through that experience.
I was offered help & support but all I could think about was the pain I caused. I did not know what to do with all of this. I did not know yet that life is a reflection of myself & I was the one in pain. I could not accept any help & I wanted to deal with this on my own. I cried at night for many weeks scanning my mind in the search for reasons why. Guilt, blame, responsibility, the meaning of my life, … were amongst the topics in the more silent moments of the night.
Slowly, I was able to make it back into the safety of my mind & control the situation. My emotions got tucked in again under layers of different new beliefs that made me feel fine.
Now, I see that it was very needed to open up my emotional body. I was solely living in my head. Emotions did not belong & especially not in a work environment. A more modern version of « big boys don’t cry » with the similar result.
Later, I found out that the elderly woman was drinking a lot & was once more making her way to the local bar across the street. This knowing eased my pain a little.
Many years later I came to the understanding that she actually got liberated & it was the start of mine.
I had no clue Life actually reflected my own situation back to me. Life operates in mysterious ways. The acceptance of death is one of the important lessons. It is not something that came easy but finally I accepted that as well.
Slowly it became clear that I was controlling all of my life. Had everything planned from the first minute of the day. My electronic agenda looked like a used coloring book & I had a hand-written one for the weekends. I was not ready to ask for help but I eventually came to appreciate the evidential value of that.
I would never have made it through the first layers of protection on my own. Einstein said that problems cannot be solved on the same level of consciousness as they were created. As we see the other better than we can see ourselves, asking for help is the obvious option, yet I was not ready for that.
I know now that once we enter consciously in the process of Life, consciousness expands on its own. It provides for plenty of motivation to continue the journey of self discovery. A journey towards one’s heart.
So, … I made it thru & settled back in the comfort of my mind.
A few years down the road, Life invited me again. My projected image of a career & what I believed to be life got wiped out. Thank God !
I was in charge of a large design & development project that financed the whole company. It was the beginning of the digital era & as most of the equipment installed in the network was supplied by our company, we offered to upgrade the existing equipment. We got selected to build our customers dream, … a digital highway.
One of the technical requirements was to filter the noise in the network so the broadcasted signals would be received as clear as possible. It is called the carrier to noise ratio. The internal circuitry of the equipment had to be replaced & individually tuned to reach our customers longings.
Repeating changes, unclarity about the specifications, the overall financial pressure & the urge of time led to the premature end of the project. Selling all of the companies assets was the only option left after a long period of unpleasant confrontations & dealing with lies & hidden agenda’s. The worst experiences were having to lie to the personal, knowing a different truth. What I believed I was going to do for the rest of my career was taken away.
Many years later, I came to see the reflection in Life’s mirror of the whole project. Down to each detail. It is truly amazing ! All is connected & all is a reflection. As consciousness expands, our stories & reflections become more clear.
Me, I tumbled into a depression.
Same scenario, same actor. Sleepless nights with similar topics. What is the meaning of all this & what could I have done differently ? I was overwhelmed by my inner world of emotions. At the time, I was projecting them outwards, but now I know that I was still holding on to a lot of sadness, frustrations & anger inside. I could no longer ignore what I felt inside. My mind couldn’t fix this problem anymore & heaven knows I tried. I blamed life & many people in my surroundings for this. I had plenty of good reasons to do so. This time around, I did feel like a victim & now, not much help was offered. I was on my own.
Slowly I found ways to calm my system down. I found the most relief in nature by spending time gardening. Nature does that. After about six months, I decided to accept the invitation to offer my services as the general manager of a centre for personal development. An interesting note is that my mother was the owner of the centre. She founded this centre 8 years earlier. This added some special dynamics to what I was about to discover.
I was not yet ready to ask for help but started following some seminars to get to know the program of the centre, right ! Some of them actually got me interested.
I ventured through the landscape of personal development & spirituality for over 15 years in search for a deeper meaning. My repeating annoyances & surfacing frustrations supplied for enough fuel to keep digging.
My most pertinent question through-out this journey was why ?
Each experience & each insight over the whole period evoked a deeper question until I was finally able to let go of my need to know why. The question why had yet become another mind strategy to prevent me from feeling more free. All the pieces of my puzzle came together in the beginning of 2014 as I touched upon the process of Divine co-creation.
What I believed to be life, I now see as foreplay. Now I experience that Life has so much more to offer. I believed that I was enjoying life, but as my honesty deepened over time, I slowly allowed myself to feel that underneath I felt sad & angry. I realized that I was actually dying to who I am.
Many times, I would have liked my reality to be different & I truly wanted something else. I kept experiencing the same dense emotions & frustrations. I dealt with different forms of stress & even depression. I could no longer control the external reasons of this stress. I did not find it fair. I was working hard.
Strangely enough, not much of my inner world was shown on the outside, mostly due to my optimistic character. My optimist & several strategies of protection had been camouflaging my inner world, even to myself. I got to experience that it was needed for as long as it was needed.
I could definitely not believe that I was responsible for all of that !
I always somehow felt like a victim of life. Life was happening to me. I was undergoing life while trying to make the best of it. It just never seemed good enough.
Through my journey, I learned about Life’s invitations. Invitations to liberate ourselves from the beliefs, fears & conditionings that hold us from feeling light & free in our heart. Conditionings that protect us along the way & at some point are no longer needed. Beliefs that keep us from living the life that we long for, deep down in our being. Fears that hold us from living a life full of meaning.
Life holds many invitations to feel free beyond our character & other forms of identification. Life invites us to be fully alive & part of Her, to be present & worthy of a human being.
These invitations come in the most simple & magical ways. However, they don’t always come in an envelope with our name on it. For some of them, we need to learn some basic dancing steps like « letting go » & « the mirror of Life ». With each dance, these steps become more natural. After all, they are part of our nature.
Some invitations are presented in pleasing & opening ways. To be able to see them, I did have to learn to please my self & take Life way less serious. Most of the time, I was busy pleasing others. It was part of my basic program & strategy in my search for love & recognition.
It took some dancing to see the invitations in the shape of busy thoughts, dense emotions, disturbing annoyances & even physical pains.
At some point I discovered that we don’t have to wait on Life’s invitations. We can courtship ourselves & invite Her to the dance floor. It is what Divine co-creation is all about.
I learned many « new » dancing steps as I had to find new ways to get up after each falling down. Adopting a different Point of View & some basic understanding about the mirror of Life & letting go was very much part of that. Dance after dance, a dream of doing transforms into a dream of being.
I invite you to the dance floor of Life. I invite you to the dance of consciousness & aliveness. I invite you to discover the hidden treasures of your heart. I invite you to let go of wanting to change the world, because the moment we are present, change happens on it’s own.
– Steven Pauwels,
author of Divine co-creation & founder of Scent&Sense.